(BIA) BUREAU OF IRAQI AFFAIRS
Formed March 20, 2003
Dear People of Iraq,
Now that you have been liberated from your oppressors, we at the Bureau of Indian Affairs (BIA) look forward to our future relationship with you. As one of the oldest of American governmental agencies, we have a good deal of experience in assimilating people of other cultures to the American way of life. . . Meanwhile, below you will find a list of what to expect from the Office of the BIA, based on our vast experience managing the affairs of American Indians:
1. Henceforth, English will be the spoken language of all government and associated offices. If you do not speak English, a translator fluent in German will be provided.
2. All Iraqi people will apply to be entered on a citizen (tribal) roll. Citizenship will be open to those people who can prove that they are Iraqi back four generations with documents issued by the United States. Christian church records may also be given in support of proof of your origins.
3. All hospitals designated to serve you will be issued a standard "medical kit." The kit will contain gauze, band-aids, burn cream, iodine, tweezers, and duct tape.
4. Your oil is to be held in trust for you. We will appoint an American-approved government lawyer who has a background in the oil industry to represent your interests. Never mind that he may also work for an energy company that he will eventually cut a deal with. However, not to fear - this close relationship will guarantee you more money for your oil.
5. Each Iraqi citizen will be allotted one hundred acres of prime Iraqi desert. You will be issued a plow, a hoe, seed corn and the King James version of the Christian Bible. Following the distribution of land, any land left over will be open to settlement by Israelis.
6. Each citizen is entitled to draw a ration of milk, sugar, flour and lard. If, for health or religious reasons, you feel cannot use the rations, you may file a complaint with your BIA appointed liaison, General Foods Corporation. Those Iraqis showing signs of diabetes, heart disease, or glaucoma will be issued double rations, as, (we are sure you will agree), our own medical system will be too alien for your use.
7. We will manage your trust monies, stipulating that any five year-old American citizen, demonstrating minimal computer skills, may hack into the system that controls your accounts, and set up their own account. Records of your accounts will be kept, but you must receive express written permission from the head of the BIA in order to examine them
8. In keeping with the separation of church and state supported by the US Constitution, Christian missionaries will be sponsored through government funding to provide your local educational and social services. Of course, only Iraqis who convert to Christianity will be allowed to hold jobs within the government.
9. For the purposes of future treaty making, any single Iraqi will be found competent to sign land-session treaties on behalf of all other Iraqis.
10. Welcome to the Free World and have a nice day!
[From Dr. George Wasson, a Coquille/Coos Indian]
Formed March 20, 2003
Dear People of Iraq,
Now that you have been liberated from your oppressors, we at the Bureau of Indian Affairs (BIA) look forward to our future relationship with you. As one of the oldest of American governmental agencies, we have a good deal of experience in assimilating people of other cultures to the American way of life. . . Meanwhile, below you will find a list of what to expect from the Office of the BIA, based on our vast experience managing the affairs of American Indians:
1. Henceforth, English will be the spoken language of all government and associated offices. If you do not speak English, a translator fluent in German will be provided.
2. All Iraqi people will apply to be entered on a citizen (tribal) roll. Citizenship will be open to those people who can prove that they are Iraqi back four generations with documents issued by the United States. Christian church records may also be given in support of proof of your origins.
3. All hospitals designated to serve you will be issued a standard "medical kit." The kit will contain gauze, band-aids, burn cream, iodine, tweezers, and duct tape.
4. Your oil is to be held in trust for you. We will appoint an American-approved government lawyer who has a background in the oil industry to represent your interests. Never mind that he may also work for an energy company that he will eventually cut a deal with. However, not to fear - this close relationship will guarantee you more money for your oil.
5. Each Iraqi citizen will be allotted one hundred acres of prime Iraqi desert. You will be issued a plow, a hoe, seed corn and the King James version of the Christian Bible. Following the distribution of land, any land left over will be open to settlement by Israelis.
6. Each citizen is entitled to draw a ration of milk, sugar, flour and lard. If, for health or religious reasons, you feel cannot use the rations, you may file a complaint with your BIA appointed liaison, General Foods Corporation. Those Iraqis showing signs of diabetes, heart disease, or glaucoma will be issued double rations, as, (we are sure you will agree), our own medical system will be too alien for your use.
7. We will manage your trust monies, stipulating that any five year-old American citizen, demonstrating minimal computer skills, may hack into the system that controls your accounts, and set up their own account. Records of your accounts will be kept, but you must receive express written permission from the head of the BIA in order to examine them
8. In keeping with the separation of church and state supported by the US Constitution, Christian missionaries will be sponsored through government funding to provide your local educational and social services. Of course, only Iraqis who convert to Christianity will be allowed to hold jobs within the government.
9. For the purposes of future treaty making, any single Iraqi will be found competent to sign land-session treaties on behalf of all other Iraqis.
10. Welcome to the Free World and have a nice day!
[From Dr. George Wasson, a Coquille/Coos Indian]
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