Wearing a wool skirt does not compliment the joy of dancing to bhangra music for an hour and a half, as I did tonight. I will keep this in mind when I frequent the danceclubs in Mumbai next winter quarter. Sweaty and with south asian rhythms floating around in my head I walked back to the dorm alone to the beat of the songs. It was a fun night--the SASA (South Asian Student's Association) Cultural show was excellent (it sold out in Mandel hall), I enjoyed hanging out with Sudeep and Dierdre, the after-party in Hutch was upbeat and cheery, but the night still made me slighty depressed. There were so many things that should have made the night a blast: the mood, the music (lots of Bhangra, with the djs sometimes mixin in Michael Jackson and Rap and Hiphop at the same time), the dancing, the place, but something was lacking--the right people. This seems to be a recurring theme in my short-lived weblog, but it's something that I've noticed more and more--especially this quarter. I just don't feel close with many people at this school, and it's hard to find a peer to go have fun with. I think of my close friends here--half are getting drunk and a stupid frat party, and the other half?--they wouldn't come out dancing if I paid them, they're probably reading at the new 24hour space at the Reg (library). At home, I can call someone up and do something any second of any day, and feel comfortable telling many of my deepest thoughts to a handful of people. Drive for half an hour and then hike up to the top of Multnomah falls illegally in the dark? Two phone calls, five minutes later, and we're on our way. Shoot some pool at 122? Call up Tam, Rithya, Brian and we're there at 2am. I get the urge to go camping at the beach...tonight. A few hours later 6 of us have two cars packed and we're out the door. Three days later we're still at the beach and 8 other friends have come to join us. Feeling like I need a change? Ok, time to buy a ticket to Seattle and I'm off kickin it with Mark, Sonca, Jeremi and friends for a few days... and maybe even a short spontaneous excursion to a club in Canada. My power goes out and I sit at home with candles at 3am? The boys decide to stop by and make me laugh. Anthony, Jordan, Jared and I staying up playing cards every summer night until the early hours of the morning, watching the sun come up with Kate on Nicole's roof, throwing a huge summer party, going to Pied Cow, playing the headlight game and making Nicole strip down to almost nothing on the way to Mediation training, walking around on Mt. Tabor, going to the Rhododendron gardens with Jordan, spending time with Henry, Juanita, Kisha, and baby Makayla, walking around on Hawthorne and all over SE Portland and just bumping into people that I've know since childhood, there is so much that I miss back home that just isn't here. I feel like my days are too short, that in any one day if I haven't talked to at least five good friends, that something is missing, that I have been to selfish with my time. But here, on the other hand, I feel that there's only a handful of people at this university that I truly care about, who are good friends, and even then I don't spend much time with them. I see this as one of the biggest problems I have. And is this all my fault? Is there something wrong with me? I don't think so. I feel that I haven't changed all that much (or have I?). Am I just apathetic? Unfriendly? Unapproachable? Mean? I hope not. It seems in the past I've been a magnet for people. I've never had trouble making friends. The only thing I've ever had trouble with is finding the time to keep in contact with the hundreds of people that I've wanted to--and I always feel bad about that. I guess there's just a different dynamic to this scholarly university, and one that I don't exactly apprechiate quite as much as other people. But I guess I should just suck it up, I knew from the beginning that coming to the University of Chicago I was not coming to a party school. This school is just not social. Not at all. And it almost makes me cry because I feel like I have barely any true friends here. This has never happened in my entire life. Everything is so different. It's been almost two years now, I thought I would adjust, but I guess I haven't. Without friends I feel like a huge part of me is missing, that people at this school don't really know the real me. That even Paul doesn't know the whole "real me". And maybe it's silly to think that coming here would be anything similar to how my life has been thus far with friendships and such a strong network and community around me. So I dance by myself.